I seem to need and want the ones who don't seem to want and need me. I guess if you're going to do something, you should be devestatingly good at it. And I am! Christ, I excel at falling into the same repetitive steak - repetitive pattern - damned repetition... "If you're a damn fine friend, you'll be a fine damn lover." My brain should know better, but then again it is funny, in a cancerous way. And I scoff at the notion, the idea of becoming too attached, too involved. Because, of course, I have a black Spade heart, and I can unglue and unbond and unravel myself any damn time it suits me, thank you very much. Except - fuck, it kills me to note an exception - but here it is. I don't even realize how deep the roots of affection have grown, until the day it is spoken: "I'm going to see other people, we can still be friends." Of course, we are friends, this has just been a grand ol' and glorious fling, kind of a friendship with delicious perks. We share affection and orgasms and giggles and pessimism, and it's spectacular! So it should be ho-hum to omit just the orgasm part, right? Well, yes, I assume that means snuggling and peckish things, and wandering hands also, but anyway, right? So I smile, agree, and it's "goodnight Gracie" kisses. But for some reason, when it's lights-out and I am alone again, I find myself strangely sad, and feeling very old and useless. And why in the World should a Spade heart bleed red? Such oddness! And it's happened before - always happens this way, actually - but it struck deeper this time, because of you. Yeah, you. You saw me - I mean, really saw the real me, under the mask of wild stories and clumsiness and disregard of Faith, You saw all of this, and my brash braying laughter, the countless insane ramblings and my inability to live somedays. And you remained my friend anyway - isn't that the craziest shit?! You snuck in somehow, and even if you were unaware of the silly Phoenix of hope nesting in the embers of my Spade heart, You managed to stoke that anyway. And I, being just slightly slow at figuring out myself, didn't know until you said "I'm going to see other people..." Such oddness! But necessary all the same, see, I have been selfish and greedy I think - damned flightiness, I honestly don't realize these things at the time - so I am more sorry than you'll know; If I hurt you, or if I was a selfish drag and blind fool. It was totally unintentional, only done with the myopic and graceless Spaded love of the incurable, dimwitted, perpetually pokey and devilishly clumsy Fling who is resigned to fly as Friend. Cause I love you so much, it hurts sometimes, but who said pain is always a bad thing..? And we still have affection, and giggles, and pessimism - the other, that precarious 'O' word, alas, will be my solo effort. But, if I say so myself, repetition is where I excel.
