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It's 5:02 A.M. and I just left you a second voicemail - the last one, I swear... well, tonight anyway. Somewhere, an airplane is carrying you far away, further away from me by the second. I despise that plane. But it makes me wonder... why is my stomach so clinched, so damned tight, so close to producing an ulcer - or is that further up into my chest.. my heart? No way! Or, well, I wonder... why do my eyes feel so dry, except they're really not, because when I actually look, they're red alright, but there are tears there and I don't really know why... Do I? I know I miss you, of course, because best friends miss each other when one goes away. Even if only for a week or so... Seven long days, so far away.. Canada. Right to the North, but it's across a dozen States and time zones, mountains and bodies of waters. And I wonder if you're sleeping right now or watching the in-flight movie, ignoring the man snoring beside you, trying not to get too pissed off at the baby violently crying two seats behind you. I wonder if you knew how much your phone call meant to me last night, that 8 or 9 minutes of conversation, just a "I'll be back soon, be good babe" kind of thing, but it made me smile the rest of the night. Except I remembered each time I smiled that it meant you were leaving, and the unexpected stomach thing happened, that dry-wet eye thing. Over 168 hours until you're home again, not that I'm counting or anything. And I wonder if you ever think this way when I leave, about where I am, what I'm doing, is someone making me laugh, am I sleeping okay... Do you ever lay, as I am now, with your head against the pillow, your arms crossed over your forehead and eyes closed, the sheets cool against your warm skin, and just hold a picture of delicious blue eyes in your mind, and then... inhale slowly and keep reminding yourself not to think about the curve of a grin, the dip of a collarbone, the bend of the neck as you lean into a kiss, soft warm lips that open to moist heat, velvet and sweet and wicked and peace. I wonder how my body can be so adult and bold and climactic with you, against you, and how perfect it feels when you're inside me, but I can feel so unsure and afraid, so much like a child cowering from a spider when my heart even tries to seduce my brain into believing the way I may I feel about you. And I know I love you, in a thousand ways. Your intelligence, your humor, your compassion, your hunger and drive, all of it remarkable, enviable, and yes, lovable... But... I wonder.. if you know how much I love your sideways glances, the way your eyelashes make shadows on your cheek, the way you smile when I nibble your chin and ear, the curve of arm when you're driving, when you laugh out loud and the beautiful way you say, "Oh that's... wow!" when you're at a loss for words. How you can shrug off a vicious cat scratch, and the uniquely 'you' smell that you have, how I love inhaling you from within my clothes. And I love the way you kiss me with your hands on my face, the deep and drowning of you, when you tell me how good it feels to be inside me and how damned whole and complete you can make me feel. Even if it's just a hazy Monday and it's 20 minutes between lunch and work, you are worth it, and you make me feel invincible - with just a smile, the presence of your hand in mine. And it's safe to think this way and believe these things because an airplane is flying you further away from me, and sometimes my heart can come out and be totally expressed when I am alone, and missing you and trying not to really realize the reality of the clenched stomach, the verge of tears. The reasons I miss you, and hate airplanes - and Canada - and cats. And why I wonder why I love you... Home -|- Poetry -|- Shorts -|- Updates -|- Links -|- About Me -|- MySpace -|- Email |